Please Pray

Joe told me on Saturday the oncologist's office had called on Friday to confirm an appt for today. I had made an appt, but had changed it due to the surgery. I called this morning to see what was up. At first it was just a mix-up on time--they had moved the appointment and forgot to cancel the first one.

But then the office called back and the oncologist wants to see me sooner "to keep a closer eye on me". I have no idea what that means and called twice to ask that my oncologist call me back. My mind is going to all the worst-case scenarios. I'm crying and I'm scared and I feel betrayed by my body and by my oncologist for not calling me back.

I just want to be healthy again. I just want to be healed. I want to be here for my husband and my kids. I'm just so scared and I've spent the last couple of hours sobbing.

Please pray. Please, please pray.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig

I arrived home yesterday (Sunday) afternoon. It was a low-key homecoming because I needed a nap soon afterwards. I had felt great on Saturday morning and took a sponge bath, but the exertion made me tank for the rest of that day. Note to self: save that energy so you don't spend the rest of the day sleeping.

Joe is home today because the surgeon wanted me to have someone around today so I wasn't alone with just Entropy Boy.

I got two of my six drains removed on Saturday morning, so now I only have four to deal with. They are still a pain and I am looking forward to them being removed (I'm praying that it will happen this week). Two are very low on my hips, so I'm alternating between the two pairs of low-slung sweatpants that I own.

I'm moving around as well as someone who is 40 weeks pregnant. My back hurts like it too. Because I have to be careful of my stomach incision, I've been using my back to compensate and I can feel the strain on my muscles. To reach something on the floor, I have to do lunges with my legs, keeping my back straight and reaching with my hands to the floor. I'm going to have some really strong thigh muscles when this is over.

My pain medicine has kicked in and it is time for another nap.

I'm out of SICU and in a regular room

They will take me off the pain pump later today. I'm sad about that. I love my pain pump. I"m still on a liquid diet until later this evening, but I'm not really interested in eating anyway.

My arms work well this time around, but twisting is completely out of the question. My stomach muscles are going to be really sore for the next 2 weeks. Recovery won't be linear--it will be steps forward and then backward again.

If this is disjointed, it's because I"m well drugged right now.

She's done!

I just talked to the surgeon and she's done. I'm off to see her now.

More later...

9:45 Still Waiting

About an hour and a half ago a nurse told me that the surgeons were closing, so hopefully everything will be done soon. But no news yet. It's just me and one other family in the waiting room now. I talked to LH and the boys are in bed. I'm glad they're able to sleep, I'm sure it's been a hard day for them.

Three More hours

The nurse just called. The micro-surgery is now complete and they're now beginning to close her up. Everthing should be done in another three hours. Ugh. I guess the "three hours" last time we talked meant three hours of micro-surgery.

4:00 p.m. Still Waiting

I heard from the nurse at 2:00 and she said there were about 3 hours to go. If so, that would mean things should be wrapping up around 5:00. After that there will be time in the recovery room before Sandy is moved to ICU. We arrived at 6:00 a.m. and she entered surgery at 7:30. Since then I've seen the waiting room turn over once, although there are a couple of families that have been here as long as I have been.

It looks like we're in the home stretch now.

Reconstruction Day - Lunchtime

About 5 hours done and about 7 to go. The waiting room is the most crowded I've ever seen it. There were nearly 30 people here at one point. The TV has remained at a low level and everyone is pretty respectful of everyone else around them. Most people are reading or working on their computers. The woman with the skein left about an hour ago--she crocheted a few squares of something, but I never thought to ask her what she was making.

Reconstruction Day - Early Morning

It's going to be a long day. We were up at 4:30 this morning and dropped the boys off with a friend at 5:30 (Bless you, Lisa!). Spiff has his last day of school before Thanksgiving vacation and Entropy Boy will probably be playing games all day.

We arrived at the hospital about 6:00 and went through the standard preadmission screening. After that, we met with the anesthesia intern, who goes to our church, and then the plastic surgeon. They took her back into surgery at about 7:30 and I was told to expect the whole process to take about 12 hours.

I'm up in the waiting room now and it is full. The TV is relatively quiet (God does answer prayer...) and most people are reading or working on computers. THe woman across from me pulled out a huge skein of yarn, the size of a basketball, and is carefully winding it into a tight ball. I wonder how far she'll get today.

Months Later--I'm Back

Well, tomorrow is the big day for my reconstruction surgery. I'm having DIEP flap reconstruction surgery. Basically, they take my belly fat and my extra skin from having two large babies and make me new boobs with it. They snake a blood supply up each side to sustain their work as well.

So, I get a new rack and a tummy tuck. I'd be more excited, but I'm kind of nervous. Plus, I had to be on a liquid diet today, so I'm a tad cranky. Not much other than tomato soup and jello will do that to a girl.

Joe will keep everyone updated here on the blog as to my progress. I should be in surgery for about 6 hours (at least) and then in ICU overnight. Wednesday I should be moved to a regular room until I am released, hopefully on Friday or Saturday.

A great big thank you to everyone who is taking care of my kids, providing meals, and generally supporting Joe and I this week and the weeks to come. You all are a huge blessing and we appreciate you so much.

Today We Received Our First Farm Share Box

Today I picked up our first box of veggies from a local farm as part of our "share" in a Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) program.

What is a CSA?

Over the last 20 years, Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) has become a popular way for consumers to buy local, seasonal food directly from a farmer. Here are the basics: a farmer offers a certain number of "shares" to the public. Typically the share consists of a box of vegetables, but other farm products may be included. Interested consumers purchase a share (aka a "membership" or a "subscription") and in return receive a box (bag, basket) of seasonal produce each week throughout the farming season.

(Click on http://www.localharvest.org/csa/ to see if there is a CSA near you.)

We got an amazing bounty today! Joe is very happy with the two bunches of lovely radishes and we are both looking forward to trying the "salad turnips" that we received. I think I may cook up the turnip greens for just Joe and I--there aren't enough to share with the boys.

The email I got from the farm today tells all about the goodies we got.

This week in your box you can expect heads of green leaf lettuce, which is great on a sandwich or for salads. This variety is new to us this year (it’s called green star) and it looks and tastes wonderful. We also harvested bunches of baby kale (the most tender of the season), radishes, and salad turnips (full shares). Something new that we grew this year is English greenhouse cucumbers. They are so tender and sweet I cannot seem to get enough of them. The broccoli raab is small and is great sautéed with scallions (full shares) and garlic with a little butter and olive oil. Shares picked up later in the week might have a baby spinach / leaf lettuce mix instead of baby broccoli raab. Full shares will also see a bag of Asian salad / sauté mix. This is a mix of kyona mizuna, hong vit (pink stem radish leaf), red komatsuna (dark maroon leaf), ho mi Z and green wave (spicy mustard greens), and corn mache. These greens are a colorful and flavorful addition to salads or could be used in stir-fries or braised. Full shares will also have bunches of bok choy. Bok choy in Latin, its scientific name, is brassicca chinesis or Chinese cabbage. The Chinese commonly call it pac choi or white vegetable. It has a sweet light flavor and crisp texture, and can be used in salads, stir-fries, and soups. Bok Choy when flowering is called bok choy sum (in Cantonese actually means heart). The leafs may get lighter in color and you will see small yellow flowers in the center of the plant. It is said that these are the best bok choy plants. Also in everyone’s box will be herb pots these should be transplanted either into a larger pot or into the ground.

We got flat-leafed parsley and chives in a pot--both of which I needed for my garden plot anyway.

We got three heads of bok choy in the box, which is heavenly. I LOVE bok choy. Tonight we had Asian pan-fried noodles with sauteed bok choy and chicken. It was soooo good!

One Month Later. . .

I haven't been blogging much lately. I've been trying to get away from contemplating my navel and work on getting back to life instead. I need to focus on other people for a while.

There isn't much new on the cancer front. I meet with the plastic surgeon early June to see what the next steps are with him. I will likely not have surgery until October or November because my skin needs time to heal. Right now it is kind of leathery where I had the radiation.

I don't consider myself "cured" or "cancer-free" and I don't think my oncologist does either. Since I had cancer cells show up in my lymph nodes, we know that I had cancer cells floating around in my body. We tried to kill them with chemo and tried to clean up the original cancer site with radiation, but we don't know how many more are floating around. The tamoxifen I'm taking is supposed to help reduce the chance of the cancer coming back. But it doesn't eliminate the chance it is coming back.

So for now, I live in limbo. I have completed treatment, but the journey isn't over. The uncertainty is still there. It is the same uncertainty that everyone has in life, but most other people get to ignore it and pretend that it isn't there.


In an effort to begin ignoring it again, I'm trying to focus more outwardly. Last night one of our neighbors was taken away in an ambulance with oxygen. I'm making stuffed ziti to take over today. I just saw him out the window, so he is back home, but I'll take the meal over anyway. They are doing construction, so it will likely be nice for his wife to have a break from cooking.

Knitters--Check Out This Blog Giveaway!

My e-maginary friend Lona raises sheep, knits and spins, and has an etsy.com shop. She is giving away a knitting kit on her blog--click on Farming in the shade: Bloggy Giveaway! to enter!

Be sure to stop by and read her blog as well--she has the coolest sock knitting machine!!!

Camping in the Back Yard

I am declaring this the beginning of Operation Create Family Memories. Last night we camped out in the back yard, and tonight the boys and I are sleeping in the tent once again. Joe prefers to sleep in his own bed tonight. Hank the Cowcat will be happy for the company. I'm sure he freaked out last night because all his people were outside with out him.


My brother S and his wife K sent us a package that arrived in the mail today--hotdog/marshmallow roasting sticks! Thanks S&K! We put them to good use already tonight and roasted some marshmallows. Last night we cheated and ate mini smores cookies from Honey Maid--they're all the taste without all the work!

Can we please just roast marshmallows now?

As you can see, we are indeed crammed into the back yard with the tent and the outdoor fireplace. This is the way memories are made, folks.

What are you planning to do this summer?

Where Does He Get This Stuff?

Spiff is in the back yard with Entropy Boy. They are always in their own little world back there and forget that the whole neighborhood can hear them and can look out their back windows and see them.

Spiff is back there doing accents. First we get "Mama mia!" and an Italian-American accent. Ok, he could be getting that from relatives, but I don't think so.

Then he switches over to Norwegian-accented English. I grew up hearing it, but he hasn't heard it much at all. He's got the accent and the sing-song sound down.

Then he breaks into a made-up rap, complete with percussion sounds. I have no idea where that one came from.

This is the same kid who, at the age of 6, declared in the backyard "I feel a song coming on" and started belting out a show tune.

The same kid who says he is waaaaay too shy to join the drama club.

Monsters vs. Aliens 3-D

Today's guest blogger is Spiff, here to tell you about the movie he and I went to see today:

...OK OK. I'm here. So what do I talk about? Oh. yeah. The movie. Its hard to explain. If this is not descriptive enough, try to see it yourself. So a summary is: A girl gets hit by a meteorite on her wedding day, she starts glowing, LITERALLY GLOWING, and turns into a monster (still as her conscious self) and with her 'monster' buddies fights an alien. End of movie.

I'm Tired of Having Cancer

I've done the surgery. I've completed chemotherapy. I've completed radiation therapy. My hair is growing back--I even had to shave my legs last week.

At what point do I not "have cancer" any more? At what point do I cease to wonder and worry? My oncologist didn't really have any set answers for me today. We are treating a microscopic disease that we didn't even know was there until I found a lump. I have an Rx for tamoxifen and will start taking that as soon as the prescription is filled (we are doing it mail order). I will be on some drug or other for years. I could still have cancer cells swimming around in my body, and hopefully the drugs will keep them from starting to collect and grow anywhere.

The cancer could come back, or it could not. We just have to watch and wait. Some days that just makes me want to scream.

I don't get my life back--not the way it was before. I never get to be complacent about it again. That. just. stinks.

Could you pray for some peace for me? I'm struggling today. Thanks.

Still Peeling

Not that you really wanted to know or anything. The pain has mostly gone because my skin has started to crack and peel so much that it is no longer feeling "too small" for me.

Think of your worst sunburn ever. Then think of getting it about 5 days in a row and what your skin would do afterward. Yeah. It's like that.

Gross.

Only Two of Us will Be in Church Easter Sunday

Spiff and I will go to Easter Sunday services tomorrow while Joe stays home with Entropy Boy. Why? Because Entropy Boy, who just finished up amoxicillin on Thursday for strep and scarlet fever, woke us up late Friday night with a barking cough. We spent some time in the bathroom letting him breathe in shower steam, gave him a few puffs on his inhaler, and put him back in bed with the steamer.

I took him to the doctor (thank you Ped. Healthcare for having weekend office hours!) and he has croup and strep (again!). He's on azithromycin for the strep and has steroids I need to give him tonight before bed for the croup. He's not allowed at church because he won't have been on the abx for 24 hours by the time services start.

I am so glad the boys have spring break after Easter. Entropy Boy's classroom will have the chance to air out and let those germies die for a week.

Radiation Therapy is Finished

I'm done! I'm done! Praise God, I'm done!

To the tune of "Peace Like a River"

I've got skin like a lizard,
I've got skin like a lizard,
I've got skin like a lizard,
Under my aaaaaaarm!


Yes, I am peeling and it's pretty ugly. It may get worse in the next 7-10 days before it gets better. But in 2-4 weeks I should start feeling like myself again.

Meanwhile, I got tons of hugs from the Hunter Radiation Therapy people and a graduation certificate because today was my last day. I don't see the radiation oncologist again for a *year*.

Joe came home early from work and picked up the boys from school. They stopped off and got me flowers.

We all went out to eat at Kobis, the Japanese steak house in town. Believe me, it was a hard sell to get the boys excited to go. I finally pulled up the website for Spiff and the video of the hibachi chef convinced him it might be tolerable. When we got there, we had to walk on a little bridge over a koi pond. There was a Japanese drum on a carved stump. There were bonsai. They started thinking this might be ok.

When the soup course came, Spiff fell in love with it. Fried onion soup--who knew? Meanwhile, Entropy Boy was having fun slurping off the Chinese soup spoon. Then the chef rolled up with his cart and the show began. I won't give you a blow-by-blow, but let's just say the boys have a new favorite restaurant.

Now we're back home (it is a school night, after all) and Entropy Boy is upstairs in the tub, dreaming of koi.

I Have Frozen Veggies in My Armpit

And they are there at my doctor's suggestion.

My skin under my arm has been getting redder and redder. It is so tight that it hurts to raise my arm. It has been keeping awake at night because every time I roll over the pain wakes me up. This morning a portion of the skin started to peel.

So today was my doctor-visit day and she suggested a bag of cold peas under my arm to bring down swelling. The nurse gave me supplies to do saline soaks 3 times a day before I use the cream or Aquaphor. Of course, I didn't do any of it today because I took a 2 1/2 hour nap after picking up Spiff. Entropy Boy was already home with scarlet fever.

So now I'm sitting with frozen veggies in my armpit while pasta cooks on the stove. The boys are learning opera via Bugs Bunny. Eh. Stranger things have happened.

Knitting and the Eternal Optimist

I always think it will be different this time, but it never is.

SW gave me some amazing hand spun silk/cotton/wool blend yarn. Like most hand spun yarn, it was in a great big loopy hank that showed off the colors nicely. The problem with those great big loopy hanks is that they tangle the first time you look at them. In my head, I know for a fact that they tangle. But my heart and my fingers are usually itching to get started on a project, and so I dive in, believing that *this* time it will be different. *This* time it won't tangle, so there is no need for me to wind it into a nice neat pull-from-the center ball.

Uh-huh. Right.

On row 20 of my project, I had to give up and find the opposite end of the hank. I spent two hours untangling the mess and winding that opposite end into a ball. The cat, who was watching patiently and hoping for an opportunity to pounce, eventually gave up and took a nap on top of my knitting pattern. He opened one eye to check my progress each time I muttered under my breath.

I'm nearly finished with the tangle. The rest can wait until the morning. Hopefully the cat won't decide to "help" while I'm asleep.

I Want To Be A Kid Again

I just finished registering Spiff for summer day camp at the Yale Peabody Museum. Last year he learned what museum curators do and got to go behind the scenes at the museum. He learned how the displays are made and how to make a cast of a log and paint it to look real. He had a BLAST.

This year he will be participating in Bones & Stones: Anthropology Camp

If you have always been interested in ancient cultures and archaeology, this camp is for you!




Each day of this 5-day program will be devoted to different topics, including archaeology, cultural anthropology, forensic anthropology, Egyptology and art history. Behind-the-scenes tours of the Yale Peabody Museum’s collections, local field trips including a real archaeological dig, and lots of exciting hands-on activities are planned.

Doesn't that look fun?

A Praise and A Quick Prayer Request

I am now 1/2 done with radiation!

So far, my skin only looks like I got a bit too much sun. Please pray for healthy skin for the remaining half of radiation. If it starts to break down into open sores I will have to do saline soaks and a whole bunch of other not as fun things. So please pray the cream I use 3x daily does it's job and that my skin stays healthy!

Overall, I'm tolerating it well except for fatigue. The fatigue, combined with my trying to wean off Lexapro, is stepping up my migraines to 1-2 a week. My migraine meds are doing well to keep them under reasonable control once they start, but they are a mighty disruption to life when they occur. The Lexapro was helpful during chemo (the chemo drug Taxol, along with the general stress of cancer, can cause depression) but now I am ready to feel ups and downs again. The Lexapro has made things too flat lately.

And Now for Something Completely Different. . .

Extreme Sheep LED Art