Posted on Sonlight's Forums on July 17, 2008
Well everyone, today was harder. My time in happy denial-land seems to be drawing to an end. I met with a surgeon yesterday, and then a second one today. I'm going to be going with the second one because he is in New Haven (our church, and therefore support system, is there), his team is in-network for my insurance, and I already know he does good work because a friend from church used him. I'd like to say I felt "better" after seeing him, but actually he was just more realistic with me about what lies ahead. The first surgeon is really good about making me feel more assured (he's a very confident guy) but didn't really give me the full picture, kwim? I don't feel so "swept up" with the second surgeon, which gives me a chance to stop and think. Plus the first surgeon's plastic surgeon is out-of-network and we can't afford that.
So as it stands now, a mastectomy and some plastic surgery are in my very near future. I need to meet with an oncologist. When I'm healed from the surgery I'll likely need 6 months of chemo. Since I'm going with a mastectomy, I won't likely need radiation. I need to have an MRI and some body scans to see if the cancer is anywhere else (the first surgeon was only going to do the MRI and a chest x-ray). If they do find more cancer, we'll address that as it comes.
I am scared. This *thing* is coming at me and I can't get out of it's way. And I know it's going to make me feel really sick, but I can't stop it. I want to go to sleep and pretend it isn't there, but I can't any more. Each step, each day, brings it closer. When Jesus prayed in the garden, asking whether this cup could pass from Him, He knew that feeling. It's really hard to say "Thy will be done." It is really hard.
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